I nearly forgot I had a blog. Loads many things happened during. Good and bad. Gush of emotions, rush of time. Done with solitary. Depressed and emo occasionally. Pissed off with most of them. Wish to be happy always. Friends do cheer me up most of the time though. Fatigued and weary. Regretted that flare-up. Learning to be less cocky and arrogant. And not to carry much high hopes. Still worried when the results are definite. Trying not to think about that anymore. Eventually give it all up.
Watched The Time Traveler's Wife yesterday. Awesome movie. It was even more touching than what I expected. To be honest, my eyes were teary at certain parts of the show. I was feeling sad on how hard they both have to see each other, but their love's still going strong..
On top of that, Class 95 just have to play my favourite song at that time.. That's why I never like to listen Class 95 when i'm feeling down, it makes feel you even down. The 2 different songs I like, with the same titles..
Shakin Stevens - Because I Love You
If I got down on my knees and I pleaded with you If I crossed a million oceans just to be with you Would you ever let me down?
If I climbed the highest mountain just to hold you tight If I said that I would love you every single night Would you ever let me down?
Well I'm sorry if it sounds kinda sad, it's just that Worried, so worried that you let me down
Chorus: Because I love you, love you Love you, so don't let me down
If I swam the longest river just to call your name If I said the way I feel for you would never change Would you ever fool around
Well I'm sorry if it sounds kinda bad, just that Worried, cuz' I'm so worried that you let me down
Chorus
Well I'm sorry if it sounds kinda bad, just that Worried, cuz' I'm so worried that you let me down
Stevie B - Because I Love You (The Postman Song)
I got your letter from the postman just the other day And so I decided to write you this song Just to let you know, exactly the way I feel To let you know my love's so real ...
Because I love you, I'll do anything I'll give you my heart, my everything Because I love you, I'll be right by your side To be a light, to be your guide
If you should feel that I don't really care And that you're starting to lose ground Let me reassure you that you can count on me And that I'll always be around
Because I love you, my heart's an open door So won't you please come on in Because I love you, I'll be right by your side To be a light, to be your guide
Finally my first batch of recruits have officially POP-ed. Was a tired and long stay-in week. Seriously need a good rest. But felt a sense of achievement, just like how a parent would feel towards his/her son. I had fun, hoped they had fun too.
While reading their commander appraisals for me, I was smiling.
"I like your smiles, keep smiling." "Like to smile alot when he see us. Like to ask why are we also smiling, then knock us down." "Friendly and nice sgt." "Best sgt here!" "Always smiling, but quite fierce when get serious." "Funny guy. Fav phrase - Shut up lah."
I can't control smiling, I just feel happy seeing them. I don't know why i smile so often, but i hoped and am glad you guys liked my smiles. They are a bunch of good and obedient boys/soldiers i guess. Sometimes, not.
During the POP, while taking photos, many thanked me. Furthermore, what makes me feel even good, is when their parents come thanking me, "Sgt Shawn, thanks ah, for training my son to become a man." One of them whose parent didn't come, asked me to put on the beret for him instead. The moment i put it on for him, I felt "all my boys have grown up".
It's my first batch thats probably why I feel so happy.
WOW. Felix and Leeleng, this should be the FIRST time you commented my blog ever since you knew I've got a blog huh. I'm actually quite surprising eh. HAHA.
Don't worry, I'm not really emo lah. I just had some thoughts and feelings over the chat with that day. Just recalled how much she hurt me then, and just wanted to write it down that's all. I've told you before, but I think you've forgotten already.
Another thing, that makes me really feel appreciated is during Instructors' Day in camp. They actually nominated me for the Best Instructors' Award. I was one of the few who got nominated. I don't recalling going on stage getting any prizes/awards in my life.
I didn't mind the foolish sexy pose that i striked in front of all my trainees and the whole camp. But this is my first batch of recruits I'm taking, and this is of very high importance to me. Most of them looked up to me. I always thought I sucked in this role, was the lousiest sergeant around.
But this just told me i'm doing the right things and heading the right direction. Hasn't wasted my efforts in smiling and treating them well. Thanks to them. Am really touched. :)
Just a week ago, me and our Angel (heh!) met for dinner first, before meeting Weili. Over dinner, both of us spoke about many things, from studies all the way to relationships. Haha.
We talked about her, and joked it over. I've been randomly thinking about it through this week, recalling vividly the details of every significant events that happened concerning her.
She's a girl I'll never forget. A girl I once admired so so so so so so so so much. I'd slowly drop hints which she never understood. Or just purely choosing to ignore. Beside her is always tagged by capable suitors that I can never compare with. They are all talented, good looking (maybe not all, but at least better off than me) and slim. To me, she's just the perfect girl, that everyone wants. Never forgetting how funny it was to get the palpitating heartbeats whenever i bump into her. To her, I guess I might just be a nobody. Or merely a life buoy to hold on whenever she needs it. (A rather fat and stable one, huh? hah.) We once compared the sizes of our palms, then, I felt so fortunate to have actually touched her tiny hands. That's hilarious. Many times, I wanted to asked her out but I didn't dare to. Many times, I wanted to call her up, but I didn't dare to. Many times, I wanted to confess to her, but I still didn't dare to. :(( Patiently and silently waiting for hours to get her reply over text messages and on MSN. But she did not replied for most of the times. :( Then, I sought the help of this friend to help ask what she felt about me. Although I already knew the answer, but I still wanted to know. I believed she knew I was interested in her, but didn't cared. I listened carefully to my friend the message she conveyed to me, it was more like a indirect rejection. 'No feelings at all' - is what derived from their conversation. At that moment, I learnt a new phrase in school that i thot I could use - unrequited love. I'll never forget, together with that particular painful song my friend intro-ed me at that time, I teared. Yes, I did. She really broke my heart, deep deep deep down. Very painful, then.
Everytime there's someone new, I'm always so afraid that history would just repeat itself. And well, along the years, it has sure proven my fears so damn right. All the girls, I believe, are the same.
Of course, I don't have feelings about her anymore, I just felt like saying these out. I guess both of us are still considered friends now? But just disappointed about her vast changes. Hmm.. Also thanks to LL who talked with me about it.
I just hope history will not repeat itself at the next one.
Had a really wonderful year. Recalling all the new people I've met, things I did and experienced, feelings I felt, places I went, knowledge I gained and many more.. All were great memories, so I'd most probably picture them down.
No doubt, some are happy, some are sad. But it has indeed been a great year for me. I have many people to express thanks to. Thanking them for coming into my life and making it good for me. On average, I usually stay happy and cheerful all the time, unless some things that strike my mind/heart.
My priority still stands - family and friends. Both are equally important to me. Now I just hope my 21st wishes and resolutions could come real true. Also thanks to all for creating the best 21st for me. You know.
Just came back from camp. Just felt like coming home, to somewhere quieter. Everything's just a facade, everything that seems okay doesn't. Didn't want to listen to the songs, and drown myself in my own sea of sorrow. Couldn't control the temper myself, poor them have to get all the shit from me. I haven't had this feeling for a very long time, and I hate it. Closed eyes and clenched fist at the thought of it. And a bit of soreness. It just have to happen everytime. And I'll never forget words that killed me. Oh, what a dream.
Angels flew me up, (i reckon it's a birthday gift) and now it's time to come down. Ouch, it really do.
As it's almost halfway through, I feel the intense from within. I'm starting to fear and worry, with stress and pressure slowly building up, and killing the inner me. The outer me is all nothing but facade.
I claim to say and act as if nothing has happened. But it's not what it seemed. I had always imagined the worst case scenario, and I foresee the future - FAILURE. Everything in there looked so real. Everytime I wanted to give my best, but everytime it never fails to demoralize me.
Current problems has yet been solved, and more challenges are coming. I fear. Really.
I had wanted to write this entry so long ago, even before I've enlisted. This is just a entry to ponder about. Cheers.
And so, how do/would you define the word, FRIENDS?
People who will be by your side when you're in need of help, or, people who will only come up to you when they need your help?
Along the years, I've seen much. I used to be naive and thought that people are all the same. I always believed that if you treat people well, they'll be nice to you as well. Sometimes you just don't get back what you should. Reciprocation is just not there. And that's just part of human nature and life.
I still remember days in poly, I had this rather good friend of mine. He appears to be nice, but gave a one good stab on my back. That moment I was rather shocked, but didn't really had much emotions like how girls do. He didn't tell me, nor did I ask him. He's wrong, not me. We're still good friends now, but not really in contact. The point is, this incident got me to see the different sides of people - being pretentious.
Have you also met with situations when some people you have not talked or met for ages, who suddenly texts you or comes up in either MSN, Facebook or Friendster, acting like as if you guys are on very close terms. Beating round the bush saying all the very nice things. For this, you should be prepared. In most cases, they'll either ask you to do stupid surveys or voting, ask you to send them songs, or do some stupid things for them. After completing the task for them, you try to talk to them but they wouldn't even want to reply your messages or give a f*** about you later on. And that's how realistic people are. Thou I really dislike these people, but not to deny the fact that me and you are like that at times.
Despite the some negative sides of friends/people, I do have many bunches of good friends that I know I can befriend and depend on. I hope I can meet more of such nice friends.
Had supper with Bryan and Chun Hong at Rochor Beancurd. Anyway, I've just back home today. I have not slept in bunk for quite a long time already. Thinking of it, I've actually been in outfield/fieldcamp for almost 3 consecutive weeks. Lost about 3-4 kgs. Everday sleeping average for only 4-5 hours. I'm seriously worn-out. And that's probably the reason why I don't have any mood for any occasions now.
Lost count of time, and suddenly CNY pops up. I have not even bought new clothings yet. Great.
Army aside.
Recently, I've been thinking, wondering, pondering. It seems that I don't know everything about some of the so-called best friends, good friends or buddies of mine that I've known for years. Some of them decide not to reveal, and I have to hear it from somebody else, or sometimes, be the last to know. As a supposedly close friend, I'm unaware about that. To me, it's quite disheartening.
I guess I'm probably too much a blabber mouth, a happy-go-lucky person or just simply f-up, so much so that they think I'm not able to safe-guard their secrets or personal issues. But of course, it still goes down to individual on whether you're willing to share. Sure enough, I'm not blaming anyone for this, as I know everyone will definitely have a piece of their secret garden.
I had a sudden rush of emotions when i first heard it, so decided to express my thoughts. Nothing serious, actually. Really. :)
This week was shitty, and suay. Like the title says, i'm was really disappointed with myself.
With such important role given, I ended up cocking the whole thing up. The worse thing is that it even happened on the very first day.
Thinking back, simple tasks like those could be easily done by many others. Then, when i thought hard and cooled down, and finally led things back to the right track, that suay and serious incident had to happen! Worse of all, blisters with all sizes on my feet with extreme extreme pain had to come. I still had one that is blood-filled. My movements were so restricted. I'll never forget how he said "Fuck off", when i made that mistake.
Anyway, the 3 days there made me reflect on how well my leadership skills are. Organisation sucked, management sucked, planning sucked. Made me consider hard, my suitability. But still holding on to a bit of hope. All these together with that incident, i've fully regret for what i've done. I could, and should have done better. My expectations wasn't meant to be like that.
But of course, what's over is already over, i wouldn't brood over it. Fortunately, I did gain tiny weeny bit of pride back when we were back. As commonly mentioned, "Too shag, can't think", could somehow be used to describe my situation.
On a sidenote, I've gotten my company photos. At a blink of an eye, I have 2 more weeks left to POP. Time flies, isn't it?
I just came back from a usual weekend meetup with the guys. We watched Eagle Eye. Was a rather interesting movie, with many incredible events that happened. But the middle part was rather dull, i almost fell asleep.
Yesterday, went bowling with Bryan at his country club. My skills really suck now! I'm quite disappointed lah! Then went to Chomp Chomp to have some (unhealthy but) tasty supper together with Jiamin and Chunhong.
Speaking of the week that passed, it really sucked. Nothing was going smoothly. I know i complain alot every book out, but seriously, there's nothing good to comment about! Last sunday that i booked in wasn't even a good day to start with! I had sore throat and flu! It got better, until it started to worsen during the week and finally worst until i had the plate of Carrot Cake at Chomp Chomp that night. Within the week, there's lots of shitty stuffs to handle and do. On friday, i did almost 140-160 times. Arms almost cui-ed, but i'm still alive and kicking. That was seriously an freaking unlucky day. In all, this week sucked.
Oh ya, Tuesday (7th) was Beatrice's and Valerie's 20th birthday. I texted them birthday wishes that night. Valerie's reply was funny. I first wished her "Happy Birthday" and asked her if she'd still remember me, as this primary school friend of mine might have forgotten me since. She's one of my best female friend in school! Then she replied, "... of course i do, that naughty boy in class haha...". When was i a naughty boy man?! I'm a nerd, i'm a good boy! But I was happy that she's touched by this gesture of mine.
I shouldn't have stumbled upon her pictures. So disappointing.
I just reached home not long ago. Today is really damn damn damn suay. I can only say i'm really tired and worn, after doing all those shit, and getting all those shit. Endure.
Speaking of my before-book in day with Kelvin, Leeleng, Felix, Tong Kiat, Weili and Shaoqi, it was sure fun. We first had our usual uber filling buffet at Suki Sushi, while talk-cocking. Main dish would definitely be salmon sashimi, i just don't want to mention how many plates we ordered. Then we later went to played BattleField 2. It was most of our first times playing it, the game was good and was very enjoyable before my book in time.
Well, the main thing i wanted to say here is that i'm really shocked, damn freaking shocked. Most of them would have read the papers about the NSF who died a couple of days ago.
When i read the papers the other day, i stared hard at the photo. Being very engrossed, i read the article word for word. It took me quite a moment before i confirmed he was the one. The stupefied me stood there pondering. He was my primary school friend, in the same class. Thou he wasn't my very very close friend, or someone i've contacted all these while, but who would want anyone they knows to be in such a article? No one would. Damn.
It's really such an unfortunate event that happened. Friends, take care of yourselves, please.
Today was the Mid-Autumn Festival, but I was at home the whole day. Only had zi char with Mum and Dad somewhere nearby.
I probably wouldn't have time to be updating this blog as frequent now. Because tomorrow is my enlistment day already. I'm actually quite fortunate to have at least 6-7 friends enlisting on the same day, but of course in different timeslots. Alot right?! I hope some of them could be in the same company and most preferably, same bunk with me. Being a lil' greedy, i was just wondering how nice and fun it'd be if the whole bunk is filled with all your close friends.
I've almost finished packing my stuffs. Having mixed feelings right now, with my palpitating heart beating wildly and palms that are real sweaty. I bet i can't sleep again tonight. During these while, i thank my friends and my family that have encouraged me for the enlistment, because of these encouragements, i shall be brave and shall overcome my fears (hopefully)!
Bye friends, i'm off to serve the nation! I'll miss you guys! See you in 2 weeks' time! Have your phones turned on at night okay?! I'll be damn bored then! Or you can text me too! Bye! :)
This facial expression is exactly what i'm showing now. Woke up today experiencing sudden intense pain on my back. The excruciating pain is on the left side of my lower back. Was thinking to gym today, but has to be cancelled. Shit.
Now i have 2 Salonpas patches stucked there. Now i have the very-medicated smell on me. I'm feeling slightly better, but the pain is still there! What did i do last night? I just remembered turning & tossing on bed, thinking of how my upcoming army days will be like. What's wrong with myself lah?! Some many problems recently! Pattern more than badminton before enlistment!!
On a side note, wishing all teachers HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY! May there be even more teachers in the world, and have a happy time teaching, despite the fact that students nowadays are MUCH HARDER to teach. Kudos to those GREAT teachers! :D
This week. Almost whole of this week, i'm out, so much thanks to the yet-not-much-but-much-much-appreciated bunch of friends.
Let me start off by a birthday speech, machiam those ministers' one. Gonna be words and no photos first huh. Heh. This year's birthday celebrations are very special. It's gonna be one of the well-remembered events in my life, deeply carved into my heart, i'm serious. Many surprising and unexperienced events.
My wishes this year. - I wish all myself, my friends and my families to be of the best of health. Nothing is more important than their health, i believe. - I wish i could proceed smoothly and be successful in terms of my career and my studies. - I wish.. (A SECRET :D)
I don't know why i felt very different this year, can't explain what is happening, but definitely feeling touched and appreciated. This year, i actually asked some of my friends not to buy any presents before coming for the dinners. Yeah, i asked them NOT to. I'm quite surprised by my decision, but still decided to do so. First, i think i'm a quite fortunate and pampered kid, without quite lacking of any material needs/wants at the moment. I knew they'd have a hard time picking any suitable ones. And i'm quite picky fussy-wussy person, so it would be hard to find one that i like perfectly. Last, i somehow knew everyone is broke, so decided not to.
I could still remember how much i wanted wishes and presents in the past. I'll be upset if you've forgotten them man! But not having much desire for them already. I realised that everyone is busy with their own life and activities, who would give a shit about you! Unless you are very very close friends. No, not complaining, but trying to make a point that you could even forget your close friends' birthday because of your tight schedule. If i say i'm not disappointed with some of them, i'd be lying. But putting myself in their shoes, i'm not blaming any one of them, really, especially Weili who specially called me saying he's guilty of forgetting. How can i blame you? I love you one lor. LOL. Belated wishes are still fine, at least you make an effort to. :)
These few days, i'm quite worn out because of all the after-work outings practically everyday from tues to fri. But, i've been constantly thinking, i'm quite a changed person recently. Then, i realised all that no-presents-for-birthday thinking was probably due to the fact i'm enlisting soon. Why? Because i just want more gatherings with my friends. I know it's not like i'm gonna go to hell soon, but i don't know, i guessed it'd would even harder to ask them out in future. People's gonna be EVEN BUSIER, no one's gonna give a damn 'bout you! So i'd cherish their presence rather than their presents.
By the way, my birthday is on the 29th of July. Purposely make it big, so you can remember! Don't tell me you thought was this date and that date again ah! Haha, joking! Last, i'd like to thank ALL THE PEOPLE who either wished me, shook my hands telling me "Happy Birthday", sang me a birthday song, wrote me a comment on Friendster or Facebook, sms-ed me, had dinner with me or even wished me secretly, I really seriously appreciate it deeply from the bottom of my heart all the way to the top of my heart. Okay, not funny. But it's really okay if you didn't wished me or even didn't know, you're forgiven.
Thanks thanks thanks to all you-know-who. I'm really happy, and all the presents i received this year are great and best - Memories. Since we're all so happy, presenting to you..
the 滿足脸 (satisfied face) picture. I was a pageboy for my aunt's wedding. Weili is sure to like this! He always claim that my smile looked very satisfied in here. He came to my house few years ago, I was playing the computer. He was very quiet, i started looking around for him. Then i found him trying to take a photo of this, wanting to expose this to everyone! Now you're happy, i decided to share this with everyone! Haha!
Last last last. I'd like to dedicate these 2 songs to myself, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. It's really nice and has a catchy tempo. Always make me happy when i listen. And also 祝我生日快乐 by 溫嵐, i know it's an emo one, but i still like this. :)
All i say about myself is "tired". Just came back from the Adidas Sundown Marathon 08 event. Or probably say, just woke up. I slept from 12PM-9PM. It's a overnight event, and i was a volunteer there. More update next time lah.
Just discovered today is 1st June already. Today is a very special day to me, i'll take note this day every year maybe because that day is very easy to remember. 1st June is actually that girl's birthday. I was totally crazy over her for whole 3 years! She was pretty then, good at studies and sports, and thought she was perfect! It was a great experience then. At the very end, i still didn't tell her anything.
And i could never forget the very stupid things that i've did. Like how i bought her class photos from friends in her class. The worst thing is.. My friend saw the photo and snatched it away, then my form teacher saw it, and confronted me! Yeah i got it back, but somehow got announced to the whole class.
On another event, i followed her home. But don't be mistaken, it was NOT a perverted act. It more like i could go the shorter way home, but yet took a longer route. I even bumped into a big group of friends, and asked me what am i doing here. I told them, "Ohh, i'm going home lor.", and quickly scooted off.
On 1 valentines i bought something for her, but i guess she didn't know who the sender was. I even asked my maid to check if the card was good and nice.
Looking back, it was really silly of me. Heh. Although we aren't in any contact with each other, but i think it will be quite hard to forget this day. Hope I could meet her someday! And if she'd happened to see this (probably not?), I would wish her HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I just finished watching the charity show on Ch 8, gathering funds to help out the victims of the Sichuan Earthquake that happened on 12th May. It was very touching, Mum was crying for the whole show. Although i didn't cried like she did, still i feel sadness, filled with sympathy deep down in my heart. Goosebumps all over.
I remember the emcees mentioning this story of one mother and her baby daughter. When the rescue team found them, the mother was already dead, but found her in a very strange position. She was kneeling, with her upper body bending, with both arms stretching forward. Below her is her baby daughter, only 3-4 months old. Because of her mother's protection, the baby was sleeping peacefully.
This baby was wrapped up with a quilt. A handphone was found upon unfolding the quilt. On the screen it read, "亲爱的宝贝，如果你能活着，一定要记住我爱你". In English, it meant "My dear baby, if you survive, please remember I love you."
A rescuer with that baby girl.
Upon hearing this story, i nearly teared. I believe anyone should, if not you should be devoid of any feelings. It gave me a thought that all mothers are great. That lady actually sacrificed herself for her baby. Other than this, there are of course many, in fact ALOT, other depressing stories.
I guess there are few million people that are affected by this earthquake. I'm not sure about the actual numbers, but i'm definite at least few hundred thousand people died. There surely be parents grieving for their children, or children looking for their parents. The most saddening thing of this earthquake is that most of these victims are small and young children. I heard when most of them were crushed to death, some were holding on to pencils and books. This cruel disaster took way too many innocent lives. I know no one shall be blamed, it's fated and it's a natural disaster afterall. But i'm glad that kind souls from around the world come together to helpout.
We can't contribute physical help there, so in monetary terms, we donate. I did made a couple of phonecalls just now, hopefully to help the victims in what that mere few phonecalls could. I believe you could easily find out, ways and how you could help the victims, there are so many out there. You should also learn on how to cherish your friends and families while you can, because you don't know when you'll be gone. If you're still whining at this moment, why you don't have the latest handphone, the best clothes or a richer family background, you should be ashamed of yourself. Be glad you're alive, and living in Singapore (supposedly you are) with no natural disasters. At least I am.
Damn. Another 6.4-magnitude earthquake just shocked the already-devastated Sichuan province at 16:21 TODAY. More people are injured, dead and missing. Haiz.
Women are complicated creatures that are seriously hard to understand. It's even harder than asking me for a blood donation. Troublesome too.
For now I'm directing this fact/truth to my dearest.... mum. I really don't know her, losing her temper for nothing when I'm trying to be friendly to her. Wtf. Women are really really hard to please.
Of course, the above statement applies to all my girl-friends around me too. It's never possible to fully get what they are thinking. Just my two cents.
These few days has been weirdest to me. I don't feel good. Maybe you could call it the male's PMS. I could not tell you why I feel this way because i could not figure it out either. Probably troubles have been coming to me one by one. But, it's okay.
Someone asked me this question a couple of years ago, "Hey shawn, you've always been cheerful and happy, do you ever feel sad or depressed?". "Of course i do, I'm also a human", I replied her. Personally, I think this is a misconception that many people get.
Yes that is. B'cos I know if I show any signs of gloominess, there are bound to be people who ask. I don't really like people knowing I'm unhappy, so I rather keep it to myself. I wouldn't want my friends to be unhappy, too.
A lil' loneliness felt. This is the point where you get to think alot. The bestest time to get away from the loud and rowdy world. Whenever you come back, you feel better. And most of all, there are always this group of best friends around, that never fail to cheer you up.
people here!